Esoteric Xmas Gift Guide

Our latest column for The Skinny magazine in Scotland.

Vibrating love to you all this yule-season.

HOROSCOPES OCTOBER 2011

ARIES

In October you finally fall on that spike all your friends bought you for your birthday back in April.

TAURUS

This month you suffer a suspiciously realistic dream about having sex with a jackal as robed, mantra-chanting Satanists splash bloody sigils on your torso using chicken feet. A week of projectile morning sickness and a pregnancy test later you discover you are with child. Alas, due to your pro-life beliefs, a termination is out of the question.

GEMINI

Shifting the colour of your aura by wearing stupid hippy clothes you now attract Caucasian Capricorns with flea-ridden dreadlocks who are viciously intolerant of cleaning products and won’t stop going on about 9/11.

CANCER

You have your head so far up your boss’s arse your eye sockets are his nostrils.

LEO

Since Mars had an argument with Venus over the gravity bill the violent sexual relationship you share with your hand will continue right through until November. Also, due to spasms in Neptune’s orbit in your 3rd Onanism Quadrant your hand repeatedly punches you in the face and balls after every ejaculation.

VIRGO

You grow tired of being told you need to get a job by humourless 40-somethings who have jobs yet have grey, tear-stained complexions, glassy, lifeless eyes and unknowingly air-click the button of a mouse with their index finger whilst they sit lecturing you in the pub.

LIBRA

This month you at long last meet ‘The One’. Sadly yours is a sadist and unfortunately you’re not a masochist. I don’t make the rules.

SCORPIO

October sees you commence art school determined to kick-start the revolution with that scathing A3 poster damning American foreign policy. You slot right in amongst the ranks of amateur shit-doodling hooligans, plaid-clad daubers and self-satisfied fashion fascists.

SAGITTARIUS

Greedily seeking longer dreams you augment your already top spec willow dreamcatcher using super-conducting magnets. The consequences prove dire. Passing out, time dilates and you spend the next 100 trillion years enduring the deep subconscious fears of every man, manatee, dog and hamster currently alive on Mother Gaia. 8 Earth hours later your friends should brace themselves for a personality shift.

CAPRICORN

If you see a ghost, say hello to it. Don’t be a dick.

AQUARIUS

On the 15th strange lights hover in the night sky above your farm. You discover mutilated cattle, their lips and gums harvested by lasers, their arseholes cored out. Camouflaged in a hedge the next night you witness the UFOs appearing again. Before the discs zip off into the zenith, you steady your rifle sight on one only to see a sign that reads simply: ‘FARMFOODS. Great Food At Amazing Prices’.

PISCES

My crystal ball has hard-drive issues and sadly there’ll be no Pisces predictions this month. Hopefully those fucking mouth-breathing nerds at Apple’s ‘Genius Bar’ will sort it out by November.

HOROSCOPES SEPTEMBER 2011

ARIES

Your trackie bottoms become so far stuck up your crack this month your hungry arse begins to digest polyester and your cells start to reconstitute the molecules as part of your body. By the start of October you will be the first human with a tracksuit for skin and zips for orifices.

TAURUS

A dozen dildos are enough for anyone. Why not donate a couple to your local donkey retirement home?

GEMINI

The spirit of your recently deceased Auntie Valerie attempts to contact you this month, arriving in her reincarnated form as a spider in your bath. She tries to give you a sign, to tell you everything is all right and not to grieve, but immediately upon noticing her spindly body constructing a web love heart you blow her away with a lighter and a can of Lynx deodorant.

CANCER

You may be an arsehole, but you’re a very sensitive arsehole, gently twitching and pulsating with each horrible challenge life thrusts in your direction.

LEO

Beware the 47-year-old Glasgow grandma with a face like a painfully pasty Navaho elder, the one who’s always eyeing you in the queue at Farmfoods. She has a secret you definitely don’t want to know about.

VIRGO

This month, like every month, your thoughts are consumed by the drivel you read in Heat magazine, meticulously updating you on which orange, ape-foreheaded Neanderthal Jordan’s giving soapy tit wanks to at weekly junctures.

LIBRA

Quit smoking so much Amber Leaf, your coughing sounds like a train crashing into Brian Blessed.

SCORPIO

Yes, you are ageing by the second, falling apart piece by piece. The creams aren’t working, are they? Wandering around the garden at night eating grubs you hope one of them contains a molecule of past-you from 10 years ago inside. Like a cannibalistic time traveller you forage ravenously for the dust of your previous lives. If only you’d saved all those delicious vacuum bags full of warm youth.

SAGITTARIUS

This September Azathoth the Blind Idiot God, spawned from the unholy nightmares of the void, enters your constellation. Run.

CAPRICORN

Have a shower. You smell like Bob Geldof’s steaming afterbirth.

AQUARIUS

You may think you were sat here yesterday but in fact that “place” is now just a meaningless co-ordinate in 4D space-time. You’re a collection of illusory matter in flux, collapsed from waves of probability.

PISCES

Following the success of Robocop, government agencies make efficiency savings by reconstructing their dead employees as cyborg public servants. While initially you support the introduction of Robo-Fireman, a freak office accident finds you re-animated as an armoured Robo-Housing-Benefit-Adjudicator. Tormented by faded memories of the family you left behind, you spasm with flashbacks while stamping yet another Partner Income Declaration form.

OUR EVIL CRAB OVERLORDS

Hellenistic relief sculpture of Herakles slaying the Lernean Hydra. Cancer the Crab, in collaboration with the godess Hera attacks him while he expends his energy fighting the holographic reptilian.

Many people have come to think of the Reptilian species as being the ultimate controllers of the prison planet we call Earth. But there is another far more sinister race of aliens, that have overthrown the Reptilians in many outposts of the Galaxy. These trans-dimensional beings operate at a vibrational frequency of 99hz or higher in standard time-space, allowing them to tune the Reptilian mind to it’s own will. They then use the Reptilians to control the Humans here on Planet Earth. The Reptilians are only a prawn in the game, much like the government and corporations are prawns in the lizard game of cat and mouse with Mother Gaia.

Who are these overlords of the Reptilians? The truth will shock you... Research from ancient texts shows they are known in Latin as The Cancer Populus, or in English: the Crab Men. They evolved over 60 billion years ago in what later became known as the Crab Nebula, named by NASA scientists who knew the truth but were forced to hide the truth under the threat that they would be murdered in the same way as the crew of Apollo 1 were murdered, locked in a broken spaceship and set on fire.

They hide from our 3D reality in the quantum silt that sits between each higher dimension than ours, shuffling their legs in 5, 6, and 7-dimensional time-space, but are also able to effect things by sending their legs into the lower dimensions and “poking” around with their powerful exo-skeletons.

Their eyes are highly developed, and unlike human eyes, their vision can see not only colours and shapes but also non-linear time itself. Their mandibles can manipulate time-space to such an extent we are merely puppets of to the Lizard Men they control. It doesn’t matter how many stories we break on the internet, the Crabs can edit them out of time with their claws. This is the reason so much data about The Cancer Populus and their origins seems to disappear soon after we have written it on Facebook or other Illuminati and NWO-controlled websites. It wouldn’t surprise me if even this is being deleted as I write it in real time. It’s important to remember to copy and share this information far and wide before they can censor it. Crab eyes are watching every word I type.

Everywhere you look in modern culture we see the mark of the crab. From nut crackers to litter pickers, we emulate the tools and technology of the crab. U2 even modelled the stage for their world tour on a crab’s legs, so eager where they to please their masters. Funnily enough they received over £30 million in financial support from the Rothschild foundation, a well known crab family. Nothing suspicious there! Go back to sleep America!

ROSWELL

Most people know the story of Roswell, but the truth is far stranger than fact. In 1951 one of the larger Crabs shifted out of time-space into space-time, dramatically appearing in the sky above Roswell. This was mistaken as a weather balloon by the US Military and was promptly shot out of the sky. Upon crashing in the desert, military officials had it towed back to the base, where the shell was prised open to reveal two ‘Grey’ aliens in the stomach cavity of the giant space crab. Mistakenly thinking these were the pilots of the monstrous vessel, the army performed tests on the Greys, resulting in the famous footage seen here.

Before further tests could be conducted on the Crab, the Reptilian governor of the state demanded the ‘UFO’ be interned in AREA 51, where it could be given a proper burial on the large government alien cemetery that is hidden there. The Crab Men are sensitive to proper burial rites been given to their dead, which allows the spirit of each crab to re-enter the harmonic void, and re-assimilate with a fresh body portal.


It is also believed that Crab Men could have been responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. Many people think that the dinosaurs were birds, but they were actually lizards. Even the word ‘dinosaur’ means ‘horrible lizard’. Where did they go, these ‘horrible lizards’? Why did so many species disappear from the Earth 65 million years ago? Just like that? The Scientists might try and tell you that a big rock smashed into the planet, but their sources are all based on faulty evidence. Are you really going to believe the same people that tell us humans went to the Moon? Wake up people. Humanity is a yawning, flaccid shrimp that has too long been asleep, clasped within the claws of the Crab Men. It is time we as a species wriggled free. Only through vibrating our hearts at the frequency of love can we break the salty shackles. Open up the brain within your heart, let it construct an impregnable truth shield and smash through the prison of perception.